Fearfully and Wonderfully

My greatest challenge in life has been my weight. I have never had any self esteem issues really, but body image was another matter all together. I know that I am brilliant and can do anything I set my mind to, but I just can't seem to get the weight thing right. I hate that.

It's very interesting how the mind puts things into compartments. You would think that because I have poor body image I would have low self esteem. I sure don't. I have no problem being part of a beauty pageant or anything of that sort. I have no problem taking centre stage and being the life of the party or making a speech. None at all.

I have gained 12 pounds in the last few months. One of the things I realized when I was working out a lot is that I lost focus. Everything became about exercising. I lost balance completely and became very frustrated when the weight would not come out as fast as I wanted. Clearly I had missed the mark once again. Instead of reading my Bible I would be working out. Every extra minute was spent trying to squeeze in a work out. How terrible is that? and how sad!

So I stopped it all and decided to figure out why I am so out of balance with my body. With food and exercise. I have learned a lot about myself since I started that journey and Lord knows I am still working on it. I have decided to start working on my body once again. This time being gentle with myself and extending grace to myself. Above all I have learned to be thankful for my body. That my fingers can type this blog, and my eyes can see what I am doing. That my legs can carry my weight and have never once complained. God has given me a beautiful body that I MUST be grateful for. And I am!

It's amazing to think that God made me very carefully. Making sure that I was perfect. I have been plagued by the thought that he made me perfect and I messed it all up by overeating. Lately, he has been telling me to relax. He loves me just as I am. Just because I am overweight does not mean he is ashamed of me or embarrassed at my calling myself a Christian. He accepts me exactly as I am. Extra padding and all. Not only that, but he has caused others to see in me what he sees, so that my being big is not a hindrance to my having wonderful relationships. That is grace!

I will be gracious to myself. Kind and loving to my body and will appreciate every single thing about it.

Confused

I have been into a particular guy since January. It's insane because I like him and I know he likes me, but he is just not pursuing me. I thought for a while that I was just torturing myself and then he did something that made me feel taken advantage of, so I backed off our friendship. He would text and I wouldn't reply and then he would call and we would have a good chat, but I just wasn't going to put anything into it. I guess he is feeling something is off. On Sunday he put a note in my hand saying he loved me. I had nothing to say to that so I ignored it. Today he came to see me and we had a great chat for almost an hour. Now I'm beginning to feel sucked in again. I'm almost 32 and I really am not interested in wasting my emotions on a relationship that may not work out. He said that God has been asking him lately "If you want something, why are you not going after it?" I'm not sure if I am included in the something. I don't want to fall for him if he is not interested. One sided love is not fun at all!! Uuuuggggghhhhh!! I wish someone who's been through this could help me out.

Under His Wings

The last two days have been very interesting. God has delivered me from con artists that have scammed people of millions of shillings. Had it not been for God, I would have walked right into their traps. One showed up yesterday and another today. The second one was just amazing, someone had just told me about him and his tricks and 5 minutes later he walked into my office. God is faithful. When Ps 91 says "Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare...he will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart" He means it guys. He really does.

Additionally, I tell him often that I am a tither, that I am a giver and a sower of seed. Therefore the enemy cannot come in to reap my harvest. Malachi 3 says he will rebuke the devourer for your sake. Praise God! He has done it for me countless times.

Devil, touch not the Lords anointed and do his prophet no harm!!! That's me, so stay away from me and mine in Jesus name. I am so glad for the blood of Jesus that keeps the enemy at bay at all times. God is good to me!