Postponed

My Doc postponed my surgery to October 11th. I am very disappointed. You kinda have to syke yourself up for this stuff and I had just got to the point where I was like "Bring it on!" and now I have to wait for a bit longer. That just deflates me.
I'm thinking I might take a trip to mombasa to pass the time. Just me, all by myself. And I can enjoy the beach, the warmth and the silence. Maybe I will go next friday and come back on Wednesday ready for surgery on Thursday. Not sure yet.
Yup! I may just go down to the coast!

Where did the years go?

Psalm 31:15: "My times are in your hands" Well, it's a good thing my times are in his hands or I would be in a full blown panic at this point. I am 31 today. Where did the years go? How can I be that old? I don't feel that old!!! But, I choose to look at the silver lining and say Thank you Lord. For another day, another year, another opportunity to be all you created me to be. I am blessed beyond words with a great family, wonderful friends and been placed in the best industry at such a time as this.

In a way I feel like an unfurling flower. Like I discover myself more every year. I am more settled now. More in tune with my wants and needs. That's a wonderful feeling. There are still things I wish I had like a family of my own, but I won't let those things take away from the gratitude I feel at just being who I am today...now. I know that I am blessed and that the best is yet to come.

Happy Birthday to me!!!

10 days to go and counting...

Well, it's just 10 days to surgery. I can't wait, but I am also nervous about it. There is a lot to be done at work and I want to make sure all is on point here before I leave. At the same time God is really talking to me about being anointed for business. I know that I am an entrepreneur so it's good to hear that God is backing up his children in the business world and blessing us to succeed. I want to look more into that during my two months at home.

Can't seem to catch my breath!

I am busy. I am recruiting for the company and this is an all day affair, but it is fun! I am acting up and doing all kinds of crazy, shocking things for my poor new recruits and they are eating it up. I am also getting ready for surgery and because I am so busy I have not had time to worry about it which is good.

Have to go do some more interviews, so... later!!

Filled to overflowing!

I have a confession to make that I think affects a lot of us Africans. We grew up without much affectionate love from our parents. No hugs, No kisses, no endearments of any kind, nothing. They would beat you up when you did wrong and say they did it because they loved you and if they didn't love you they would not care. There is a lot of truth to that! In the process, we the kids never learnt to hug or kiss each other, or show any affectionate love towards one another. And Lord knows, if your parents even smiled at each other, we almost fell over from shock!

Well, because of that I grew up not knowing what I was missing out on until I went to the US for school and found families that were affectionate toward one another. I remember looking at my friends mom as though she had lost it because she thanked her daughter for helping with the dishes. Almost dying of embarrasment when my friends dad gave me a fatherly hug like he did his daughter, and not knowing how to respond when her brothers playfully punched me.

Because of the earlier lack of affectionate love, I came to regard God's love for me in the same light as my parents love for me. Shown through punishment and discipline. Affection was not something God could do for me. As I grow older, I find that my need for affection has become hard to avoid or ignore. However, since I grew up without it, I have no idea how to ask for it or show it really and often come off as being self sufficient and hard on the outside, which is nothing like what is on the inside. I still have no clue how to respond to affection from the opposite sex which may be one of the reasons I am still single.

Anyway, today I read Ephesians 3 and verses 14 - 19 had me in tears:

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

I want to know his love. His affectionate love. It is the prayer of my heart today that I may grasp his love with my heart and never let go. That this love will flood my soul to the point where I am totally filled with all the fullness of God who is love. And I pray that you too will know this love that surpasses all understanding. That God will fill your heart this day and evermore with himself. Amen!

I hear his voice!

This one has come from one of my favourite blogs "An helpmeet for him" it says:

TRUST: Believe in his intentions and abilities and don’t worry about what “could go wrong”.

WOW! I hear the voice of the Lord concerning my surgery. How awesome is that! I believe that your intentions for me are for good and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope (Jer 29:11) and I believe that you are able to do abundantly above that which I can ever think or imagine (Eph 3:20)and I determine not to worry about what could go wrong!!

Woo hoo!!!

We have to overcome!

So David walks up to this mountain of a man and threatens him in the name of the Lord his God. I have never thought of it, but that sounds plain ridiculous. However, it worked!!!! David killed Goliath!

I re-read the story this morning because I realised that I can trust God to provide for me financially, but when it comes to other things I struggle. David said, the God how helped me kill the lion and the bear will help me kill this guy too. So I am sitting here with a bigger issue than finances and instead of saying, the God who made provision for me in the past, will deal with this problem too, I am shaking in my boots. Fear is a terrible master!

The key to all of life's battles seems to be summed up in Goliath's words in 1st samuel 17:9 "If he is able to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and kill him, you will become our subjects and serve us." If anything can overcome you, it will rule over you, however if you can overcome it, you will rule over it and it will become subject to you.

What is it that has you under it? Is it food? Money? Fear? Ambitions? All this things are not to rule you. You are to rule over them. Easier said than done, I know, but let us try the David approach:

"The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine... You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel."

Wow! How about that? Say it with confidence. "This day the Lord will hand you over to me" We have to overcome!

Trusting God

Lately I have been very tumultuous inside. I think most of it stems from the fact that my surgery is only about 3 weeks away. I hate to admit it, but much as I am looking forward to it, I am afraid. Not of the surgery, but of what could happen. If I bleed to much, or they can not reconstruct my uterus they may have to take it out. How I'm I supposed to take that seeing as I have never had children and would like to in the future? I am also afraid because I have some in my cervix as well and they say that is a very difficult place to operate. What does that mean for me? I'm worried about scarring my cervix. How will that affect my sex life in the future? Will I be able to feel much down there? UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

I'm I just worrying too much about nothing? At times like this it is really hard to just trust God and say let your will be done. I have been angry with him as well. Here I have been trying to do his will and wait for him to bring the man of my dreams so we can get married and start a family and I there is the very real possibility that I may not be able to do that. I have abstained from sex for the same reason and if my cervix gets messed up, I may never really get to enjoy sex. How do you get past these feelings of anger and fear?

Psalm 56:3 says "When I am afraid, I will trust in you" Now that right there is faith. Right now I am just angry at everything it seems. But I need to chill out and trust God to go with me through this. To not be afraid. To be still and know that he is God. I don't know how it will look on the other side of fibroid freedom, but Lord knows this side is a mess. I might as well walk with Jesus on the water and look to him alone.

I have read many stories of miracles. Of people without a womb, miraculously getting one and having children. But right now, I just want to be normal. I never want to have to pray that kind of prayer or get that kind of a miracle. I just want to be normal.

I am praying for trust. That I may trust that he knows the way. That he created me in my mother's womb, knitting me together, knowing that this day would come. Above all, he made provision for me whatever the outcome may be. Fill my heart with gratitude and praise regardless of the outcome Lord. Forgive my unbelief and distrust. Hold my hand and lead me in the way everlasting. May I find my peace in you. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen!

Contentment continued...

Well, God is not done with this lesson yet. I was talking to him about it and wondering how I can stay content while still expecting him to move me to the next place in my life and he gave me an answer.

Thanksgiving - that is the secret to contentment.

If I can learn to thank him for where I am, to find the good there is and the joys he has for me in the place I'm at, I can be content. The recipe, so to speak can be found in the following verse:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Philippians 4:6-7

So if I can be thankful where I am for all the good there is, and then make my petitions known to God, that thankfulness will cause the anxiety and restlessness to depart and pave the way for God's peace to come guard my heart and mind. The result? Contentment.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says:

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Basically, you are not where you are by mistake and God knows exactly where you are so he will meet your needs at the right time. Therefore if nothing else, thank him that he is never late, and that indeed he knows what's best, and just commit your desires to him.

At times like this, beware of the devil's lies, that you are not important to God. That he has forgotten you. That his promises to you are false. Nothing could be further from the truth:

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Isaiah 49:15
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!

Zechariah 2:8
For this is what the LORD Almighty says: ...whoever touches you touches the apple of his eye-

Numbers 23:19
God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

Psalm 145:13
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.

Meditate of these words and let them sink deep into your heart. In everything give thanks to the Lord and remember to thank him for remembering you and leading you in the way everlasting.

Enter rest in Jesus Name! Be still and know that he is God!

Shocked

I was shocked half to death this morning when I read that prophetess Juanita Bynum-weeks was abused by her husband. She was physically abused outside a hotel and brutally beaten and threatened by her husband. This must be so hard on her. So traumatic. Only God knows why or can help. My prayers are with her. She is one of the great people in my life, her teachings and books have made a difference in my life. I am grieved that her husband could do this, but it goes to show that preachers are also men like any other.

Contentment

Beholding as in a mirror for me means that I look into God's word and I see my self. A true reflection of who I am and what I have become - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes it is painful, but always it leads to becoming a better me.

I recently came to the conclusion that I am far from content with my life, and not in a good way. I want everything now! In the process I am killing myself with stress and anxiety that should not be my portion. Why can't I just settle down and let God lead me in the way everlasting? I am always running somewhere, trying to get this and that, impatient, unable to rest and my body is taking a beating. High Blood Pressure is threatening me, hormonal imbalance is causing fibroids to grow and the other day I got to the office and started getting breathless, anxious and teary two days in a row. I know that I am running myself down but for whatever reason taking a break to rest is not a viable option. I am just so grateful that my surgery will give me a legitimate reason to rest! That is so messed up.

Well, the Lord told me that I am not content at all and I have to learn how to be. Because with contentment I am okay with God's sovereign choices for me and I am able to relax and go with his flow and his timing. I don't need to be equal with the joneses. My path and plan are different and unique only to me.

This verses say it well:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

And this one really hit home for me as I want to be truly godly:

But godliness with contentment is great gain.
1 Timothy 6:6

I need to be content with my job and wait for God's timing in starting a business, and with my status as a single woman - my times are in his hands.

Contentment will allow me to pray about the desires of my heart while still abandoning myself to God. It will enable me to relax, smell the roses, take a walk, watch the sunset, as I move into the times of God. Contentment will allow me to make the most of Chronos time while I wait on God's Kairos time.

May God give me the grace to wait on him, and give me the wisdom to learn contentment as I take this journey called life.

Post Cards

I am a sucker for postcards and always get them whenever I travel. I recently saw these in a local hotel here in Nairobi and fell in love with them. They have been created by Mount Kenya Sundries Limited.

Myomectomy

I am due for my myomectomy on October 5th. Crazy as it may seem I am so ready for it. I was diagnosed in February of this year and have just been too chicken to do it. Fibroids are benign tumors of the uterus that cause the following symptoms:
Abnormal menstrual bleeding. Up to 30% of women with fibroids have menstrual period changes, such as:
Heavier, prolonged periods that can cause anemia.
Painful periods.
Spotting before or after periods.
Bleeding between periods.
Pelvic pain and pressure, such as:
Pain in the abdomen, pelvis, or low back.
Pain during sexual intercourse.
Bloating and feelings of abdominal pressure.
Urinary problems, such as:
Frequent urination.
Leakage of urine (urinary incontinence).
Kidney blockage following ureter blockage (rare).
Other symptoms, such as:
Difficulty or pain with bowel movements.
Infertility. Sometimes, fibroids make it difficult to become pregnant.
Problems with pregnancy, such as placental abruption and premature labor.
Miscarriage.

Needless to say it has been hell for the last few months. I quit a really stressful job and took one that was not that bad in a bid to cope, but I just have to go get them out now. The list of complications is not that encouraging, but I have a really good doctor and should be good to go in 6 to 8 weeks after the surgery. I am not really planning to go back to work till January of 2008. I want to take this opportunity to rest and just chill out with God. Prayers are needed here. Will keep you updated.

Unmerited Favour!

God is so good! I had missed the deadline for the BID Challenge round 2 which was yesterday and had just figured it was too bad. Well, guess what? They called me today and asked why I hadn't turned it in. When I told them I had missed it they gave me till 8 pm tonight. Isn't that just God's grace? Needless to say, I figured God was giving me another chance and put it in ASAP! His mercies are new every morning.

MEEKNESS

Some of the Lord's teachings are so simple yet so hard. How do you self-efface when all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs for your needs to be met? I am studying Meekness this morning. Check out the definition:

Humble, modest, self-effacing, submissive, despirited, or broken will.

To efface is to make oneself inobtrusive, to be inconspicuous. To be diffident is to lack confidence in one's self, distrust of one's own powers; not self reliant.

Meekness is a virtue in God's eyes. It doesn't mean that you become a door mat or get used and abused, it just means that you need to follow God's wisdom in everything. It means to put the needs of others before your own, it means to let go of your own way and embrace what others may put forward. It means being broken before God and not having a will of your own as we are so prone to doing.

I can not rely on my own strength or wisdom. I must mistrust my own wisdom and rely on God because his word tells me that my heart is utterly wicked and deceitful. That's how come you can make a decision that you thought was perfectly good only to realise it wasn't such a fine idea after all.

Here are some promises that God has given for those who choose to follow meekness:

Psalm 22:26
The meek shall eat and be satisfied: they shall praise the LORD that seek him: your heart shall live for ever.

Psalm 25:9
The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way.

Psalm 37:11
But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

Psalm 45:4
And in thy majesty ride prosperously because of truth and meekness and righteousness;

Psalm 76:9
When God arose to judgment, to save all the meek of the earth. Selah.

Psalm 147:6
The LORD lifteth up the meek: he casteth the wicked down to the ground

Psalm 149:4
For the LORD taketh pleasure in his people: he will beautify the meek with salvation.

Isaiah 29:19
The meek also shall increase their joy in the LORD, and the poor among men shall rejoice in the Holy One of Israel.

Look at that. It is the meek that shall inherit the land, experience true peace, be beautified in his salvation, lifted up, be joyful in the Lord, know his provision and saved by God. This is one of the treasures of Wisdom.

Even Christ showed meekness in taking on the Cross. He gave up his own will which was really not to face the cross. Why else would he pray "take this cup away from me" yet he yielded his own human will and did the will of the Father. Moses is declared the meekest man on the face of the earth:

Numbers 12:3
(Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)

Because of his meekness, God used him greatly. If we desire to be used of God in any area of our lives, be it in the market place, at home, or in ministry, meekness is a must. Make it the cry of your heart!

I come to you now Lord and ask that you will cause me to desire meekness from my inner being, and to practice it in my every day life. May I not conform to the image of this world that always cries "what about me?". Cause me to be transformed by the renewing of my mind as I behold as in a mirror what I really am and desire to make the neccessary changes. I thank you for showing me my faults that I may change them, and I praise you for initiating this changes in my life. I love you Lord. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen!

God makes no mistakes

Someone my heart dearly loves recently found out that his mother had wanted to abort him when she found herself pregnant with him. He is now daily plagued with thoughts and feelings of rejection that are causing him to go astray in life. My heart is breaking for him, but I have no idea how to make it better. I know that God doesn't make any of us by mistake. None of us are here by mistake. We each have a purpose in Christ. Oh that he may know the love and acceptance that comes from God. And know that even if his mother and father were to forsake him, God surely would not. I found this poem on the biblicalwomanhood blog and it blessed me tremendously. So if for whatever reason you think you are a mistake, may God put it in your heart to know that you are not. He knows the plans he has for you, to give you a future and a hope (Jer 29:11) and he saw you being formed in your mother's womb (Ps 139) and said it was good.

My Father's way may twist and turn,
My heart may throb and ache,
But in my soul I'm glad I know
He maketh no mistake.

My cherished plans may go astray,
My hopes may fade away,
But still I'll trust my Lord to lead,
For He doth know the way.

Though night be dark and it may seem
That day will never break,
I'll pin my faith, my all in Him,
He maketh no mistake.

There's so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight's far too dim;
But come what may, I'll surely trust
And leave it all to Him.

For by and by the mist will lift
And plain it all He'll make;
Through all the way, though dark to me,
He made not one mistake.

- By A. H. Overton

Esther Passaris

I read in the September 2007 issue of Eve Magazine that Esther Passaris when asked of one great thing she would still like to do, said she would love to get married. Every woman, deep down, has a need for the covering that a husband provides. I appreciate that Esther is not afraid to stand up and say so despite the fact that she is the MD of Adop-a-light and the founder of One in a million. The one in a million site (www.oneinamillion.co.ke)is an excellent place for Kenyan's and others to join hands and make a difference. I dare say that her desire to be married puts the two of us in one pot (at least on that issue). I would love to meet her and just shake her hand... nah... I will just give her a big old hug!!

PS: Should she ever want to be president of this beautiful country, she has my vote!

Time

You know how you always feel it is time for something or other in your life and you can actually hear God saying it's time? Well, do you ever wonder what that means to him? I mean, if one thousand days are as one to him, and one day is as a thousand, what does that mean? Well, I think that really God thinks of time in two ways Chronos and Kairos.

Chronos is Chronological time. Minutes, hours, days, weeks etc. We tend to be more focused on Chronos time than Kairos time, but funny enough so does God. Kairos is God's "now" time. The appointed time. The set time for him to do something. God being a planner has set times for all things.

The reason why I say that God also focuses more on Chronos is because that is the time when all the waiting happens. We wait for healing, we wait for spouses, we wait for the business opportunity, children etc... This is also the time when God is focusing on character building, arming you with knowledge you will need later, drawing you closer to him. This is usually the longest time period in our lives. Don't thinks so? I bet you are waiting on God to come through for you in one area or another even now.

Kairos is what you are waiting for in Chronos time. This is when the light turns green and God releases you into what you have been waiting on him for. It is important to note that though this is an appointed time, we can sabotage our own Kairos by how we spend our Chronos. If you are disobedient it will take much longer for God to release you into what he has for you. But if you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land.

So now that you are in Chronos time, how are you spending it? Are you arming yourself with godly knowledge and wisdom for where you are going? Are you faithful in the little you have to ensure that God gives you the much you long for? Are you preparing to be a wife or husband, or just sulking about being single?

Spend your Chronos wisely and your Kairos will come as God has purposed. Whatever you do, do not compromise, or be slack, or slow to hear and do what God asks you to.